If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
