My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
