Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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