Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
