Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
