I wish I could punch you in the face.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
