I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
