pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
