Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
