Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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