where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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