i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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