I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
