My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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