He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
