It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
