Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
