Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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