We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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