I'd wear matching sweaters with you
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
did i just pee glitter
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
