my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
