Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
