No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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