Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
barbara walters just said penis...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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