birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
