I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
