i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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