I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
