Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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