There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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