it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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