and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
