Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
