you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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