I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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