i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
