Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
