I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
