That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
foreskin is a definite game changer
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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