I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
