I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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