The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I checked into jail on foursquare
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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