had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
