I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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