So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
