I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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