U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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