I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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