I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
