today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
