I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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